Always
by bootycalldetectives
Summary: What happens when Olivia finds an envelope with her name on it in Elliot's desk? Intended to give us a little closure, if you can call it that. Set between seasons 12 and 13.


**"Always" EO one shot**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. And there is a few lines from "Delicate" by Taylor Swift that I do not own either. Darn.**

 **Author Note: An explanation, to give us a little closure. I intended for this to be a short story, but it ended up being a lot longer than I wanted. I struggled writing this one and trying to get my ideas to flow together, so I hope it makes sense and you all enjoy it!**

Olivia's head was spinning.

There were too many thoughts running through her mind, too many emotions coursing through her brain and her head was pounding. She felt nauseated, thought she was going to lose her stomach contents right here.

Cragen's words were echoing around her getting louder and louder.

She wanted to escape.

She wanted to run away and hide. Go somewhere and pretend that everything was going to be ok, pretend that her life hasn't just shifted drastically off course. Take everything back, unhear the words just spoken to her. She wanted to pretend that Elliot would walk through the squad doors any minute and bring her a cup of coffee and shoot her one of his quirky smiles. She could see it now. Any minute…

But that was not going to happen.

Not now. Not ever. Not anymore.

She left and headed straight for the interrogation room, she needed to be alone, she needed to clear her head. She felt venerable and exposed, her emotions on full display for the vultures to devour.

She found little comfort being alone with her thoughts. It was supposed to help her grasp the idea that her partner was gone and that he was never coming back, but it just brought up more questions and more emotions.

She was devastated, torn, withdrawn, heartbroken, terrified, insecure, disillusioned, blindsided, betrayed, resentful, and just down right mad.

How dare he do this to her?

What made him think that it was alright to just leave? To leave the squad, to leave Special Victims, to leave… her.

He didn't even have the balls to say goodbye. Twelve years and he thought it would be ok to just leave and not say anything? He had the nerve to make Cragen tell her that he wasn't coming back, he couldn't even say it to her face. She deserved better than that.

She was furious at him.

But she was also heartbroken.

Elliot Stabler, her partner, her best friend. He was so much more than that. He was the longest relationship she's ever had with a man. He was her best friend, hell, he was one of her only friends. He was one of the only people who actually understood her and knew who she was.

He was her world.

He was her everything.

He was the one who got her to trust again, to open up and give people a chance, he told her that he would never leave her and he would never be like the rest of the people in her life, he would never betray her like they did, would never use her, or leave her. But he did. He was just like everyone else and now, she had no one.

At this point, tears were streaming down her face and she felt her eyes becoming puffy.

But she didn't care.

The only thing she cared about was Elliot. The one man she thought was different, the one person who would never leave her, would never hurt her, but he did.

She understood why he left, as much as she hated it, and as much as she wished she didn't, she felt sorry for him. He had to shoot a teenage girl, a victim's daughter, someone they had come to know. Shooting anyone was an emotionally draining thing, but it was always harder when you didn't want to make the shot, she knew that, she's had to do it before. But, Elliot had no choice, he had to make the shot, it was the right move and the right decision. She was certain of it. She knew it, Elliot knew it, Fin, Munch, Cragen, the rest of the squad, even the rat squad knew that it was the right decision.

What she couldn't understand was why he felt the need to quit. He could have asked for a transfer, or taken some vacation time. Joined therapy, or talked to her for Christ's sake, she was here for him, why didn't he see that? He didn't have to leave everything, he didn't have to leave her, but he did.

Once she finally got a hold of herself and bottled everything back up inside, she slowly walked out of the interrogation room praying that no one would mention her red eyes and swollen face. She was dreading what she had to do next, not ready to accept the truth, not ready to move on, but she had to.

She grabbed a small box and headed towards her former partner's desk. The idea of having to box his things up and put them in storage, hoping that he would come pick them up, knowing that he never would, made her sick. This was ridiculous. She shouldn't have to be doing this, but here she was.

She took everything off the top of his desk, case files, case notes, and other work related folders and moved them onto her desk for her to sort through and try to organize later. She took the pictures of his kids and placed them in the box smiling at their sweet faces, at least they get to spend more time with their father now. She opened the drawers working her way up from the bottom, throwing everything into its respective place: the box, her desk, or the trash.

She opened the top drawer and paused when she saw an envelope with _'Liv'_ written on it.

He knew she was going to be the one to go through his desk.

That asshole.

She picked it up and debated about what she should do with it. She wanted to throw it in the trash. Her gut told her to get rid of it and rip it to shreds. But her curious nature told her otherwise. She wanted to know what was inside, she wanted to read it, to know what he possibly had to say that could make up for him leaving without a goodbye. It better be a damned good explanation.

She folded it and shoved it into her pocket. She may have caved in and decided that she was going to open it, but she'd be damned if she was going to do it in public.

After an excruciatingly painful rest of her day, she was finally in the comforts of her own home. She had broken down twice already and she was ready to be alone. She usually had a better grip on her emotions, but the damned man made her lose her mind. He made her swoon when she has never swooned over anyone before, he pushed her buttons and made her angry in a way that was unique to him, and he could rip her heart out of her chest and not even know, and that's exactly what he's done.

She hesitantly pulled the folded envelope out of her pocket and sat down on her couch staring at the paper in her hand. She lifted her dreary eyes and looked across the room at the framed picture she had of them on her bookshelf. The picture was taken several years ago, but it was her favorite. She sighed as she looked back down not wanting to know what was inside the envelope, but needing answers, needing an explanation as to why he left her.

She lifted the flaps that he tucked inside and she pulled out a sheet of paper.

A letter.

He left her a letter. Seriously? This was the most uncharacteristic thing she has ever seen Elliot do. She wasn't sure what she was expecting to be inside the envelope, she thought maybe there would be a note, but she was definitely caught off guard to find a letter.

Now she was nervous.

She opened the paper, closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. She wasn't sure she was ready to read what was inside.

 _"Dear Olivia, my partner, my friend,_

 _I know that you are probably angry at me right now, I don't blame you, I would be angry too. I would be more than angry. But I owe you an apology and I couldn't bear to do it to your face because I would be too afraid to say everything that I need you to hear. I need you to understand why I am leaving and that you had nothing to do with my decision._

 _After I shot Jenna, I couldn't get that image out of my head. Her lifeless body in my arms. I know I didn't have a choice, but I feel this incredible amount of guilt that I can't seem to get rid of. It haunts me. I know that I would fall apart if I had to step foot into the squad room again, so I decided to quit. It was about time I retired anyway. The stress of the job is starting to get to me and I am constantly working, I need to make time for my family. My kids are growing up and I haven't been there for them like I should have been, but I get another chance with Eli and I am going to be there for him. I am going to make things right._

 _You were the best partner that I had. We worked well together and we were able to communicate without words. I know everything about you and you know everything about me, and Liv, that scares the shit out of me. I know that it will take time for you to understand why I am doing what I am doing and I know it will be even longer until you forgive me, if you ever forgive me, but I want you to know that I am sorry. I am sorry that I broke the promises I made to you, I said I would never abandon you like the other people in your life have, but that's exactly what I am doing, and I will never be able to forgive myself for that. But I can't go back. It's too painful._

 _It's too painful to sit across from you everyday and not be able to tell you how beautiful you look, it's too painful to resist pulling you into my arms to comfort you and tell you that everything is going to be alright, it's too painful to go to work and worry about your safety more than I worry about the victims. Olivia it's too damn painful to go back to work because I am in love with you and I can't do anything about it._

 _Every morning for twelve years I saw your face sitting at the desk across from mine and I couldn't help but stare. Liv you are the most beautiful person that I know, not just because of your looks, but because of who you are. Thank you for being a light in my darkest days. Your smile can light up an entire room and your laugh is music to my ears._

 _I go home every night to a family that loves me, but my mind stays at work with you. When you aren't around, you are all that I am thinking of. You are in my head and dammit I can't get you out. I am terrified that I will lose control and cross a line, I can't go on living like that. I know that you don't feel the same way but, sometimes I wonder, what if? Sometimes when I look into your eyes I pretend you're mine, all the damn time. But you never can be._

 _Even though I am gone, you will always be in my heart. I will wonder "What If…" until the day I die, and I will always be angry that I am not man enough to tell you how I feel in person._

 _I really am sorry Olivia,_

 _I love you,_

 _Always._

 _Elliot Stabler."_

He signed his full name. It seemed so final. It was a small thing in the big picture, but it was probably the thing that broke her heart the most, tore that final piece out of her chest and threw it onto the ground.

That bastard knew exactly what he was doing to her, but he did it anyway. How dare he?

She hated that he knew everything about her, what she was going to do before she did it, what she was thinking, but she didn't know what to think now. The man she loves is gone. He loves her too, but they can't be together, even if they wanted to.

She was so angry at him for leaving and for handling things the way he did, but she was heartbroken even more.

She couldn't keep everything inside anymore and decided that now would be as good a time as any to cry. She was overcome with the feeling of grief because she couldn't be with the man she loved, she would never see him again and that thought was too much to comprehend. She cried for him, she cried for herself, she cried for Kathy, and she cried for the opportunities that she wished she took but never did.

The worst part isn't that she will never see him again, the worst part is that she will never get to tell him that she loves him too and he will never know how she feels.

They will both live with their regrets and the "What If's…" in life and it will stay with them, Always.


End file.
